BEAUTY IN THE DARKNESS

What you are about to read is my own particular view and experience of life. It is neither a scientific, anthropological or psychological thesis. It might sound silly, maybe shocking. Either way, this discussion does not intent to convince anyone to agree with it. The only outcome hoped for from the audience reading is, reflection and maybe analysis or constructive criticism of the content. You may or may not identify yourself with the context and may or may not, gather some insights from it. Any response is a positive response, if only laughter.

BEAUTY IN THE DARKNESS

At some time or another, you have most likely heard people saying “if I was in their shoes”. It may differ from culture to culture, but the meaning is seemingly quite clear: we cannot judge people´s actions according to our own point of view unless we are “in their shoes” and vice-versa. Only the person who has been experiencing some sort of physical or mental unbalance is able to speak for themselves, though not all of us feel empowered to do so. By speaking up, we can enhance awareness of our social surroundings and thereby employ empathy. It is surely impossible to feel somebody else´s pain in its entirety, even if we accompany them on their emotional roller-coasters. We can however observe their pain, which may provide us with messages on how to approach and support them.

Feelings of sadness are something we all have experienced from time to time in one way or another. We may eventually overcome those feelings, or we may not. Anything unresolved may escalate into something much bigger than we have capacity to process. This may lead us to dark places. Imagine you have not done your washing up and realise you have used up all your crockery. You can order more food but the contents of your sink are not self-cleaning. All the dirty dishes are still piling up, waiting to be dealt with one day. The same applies to our emotions.

You might have recognised a person within your social circle or somebody else´s, who is experiencing an extended period of sadness. Perhaps, it has been a brief spell of feeling helpless or it might have been going on for longer than expected. We are but humans who constantly pass through different emotional phases in our lives. Our emotions are part of what makes us human. Throughout my life, I have witnessed people I love experiencing both long and short periods of sadness, some from the beginning until their end and others still ongoing. Some of those people needed more than a warm hug or a shoulder to lie on. They needed support from a professional.

When it comes to dealing with emotions, many people tend to think that professional support from a psychologist focuses mainly on some form of perceived “madness”. This perceived “madness” is in fact a fluctuation in one’s mental health and could be of one of many mental “illnesses”. In some way, a part of the brain has become unbalanced. In many cases, the root cause may be circumstantial. A “behavioural” issue may stem from chemical/organic imbalance. It may be a combination of the two. The psychologist’s approach is still very much a current and essential expertise and meet many societal needs. Alongside it, sit many other approaches, created for the purpose of making money. Certain aspects of the pharmaceutical industry spring to mind.

I feel blessed that I have never experienced the darkness of clinical depression. I have however experienced periods of prolonged sadness throughout my life that could have led to depression. Let me share an example:

There was one moment in time, after coming back from a lovely holiday abroad with a dear friend, when I experienced real sadness without initially acknowledging it. I had become apathetic for about a month and during that time, I was living on automatic pilot. I was waking up late, going to work, coming back home and watching TV until the early hours. This unhealthy routine had become a daily one. My friend observed that something was not quite right with me and kindly left the number of a life coach consultant on my desk. They said it would be good for me to make contact and to have someone impartial to talk things through with. As I had not recognised my sadness, it took me awhile to phone the coach.

When I did call the life coach, she set up a weekly schedule to follow. It was quite basic and I had to make it myself, filling it with my current daily activities and adding some new ones. As I had been very sedentary for some time, I joined the gym. Many of us really underestimate how vital exercise is and how beneficial it is to us. Working out, breathing and burning energy boosted the oxygen in my brain. That made an enormous difference over the following weeks. I only had three sessions with my coach, due to her experiencing a health issue. That said, I feel sure that she really had helped me in ways she might never know. I am very grateful firstly, to my dear friend who advised me to look for help, and to the coach who opened my eyes for life!

Looking back, I can describe the place I had been in like this:

I saw myself in a deep circular shaped hole with all its walls and floors covered with soft and comfortable satin cushions. From time to time, I noticed the existence of a ladder attached to the wall. I felt that all those elements kept me feeling very pleasant and safe. From down there, looking up, I could see the clear blue sky. Some clouds would pass by now and then and birds would fly over me. I could see the colours of the sunrise and sunset and the light of the sun and moon. I could see the twinkling stars at night, and sometimes, I could see the rain. The curious thing about all that was, nothing could really get inside the hole, not even the rain. Although I was able to see all these things, I could not smell the rain or hear the birds. I could not feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin. None of these things could penetrate an invisible top surface to this imaginary place.

From time to time, I had the desire to get out of this place and explore all those incredible natural events from above. Somehow, I could not find the strength to do so. The ladder was however always there and it could be reached at any time. Every time I was tempted to climb it, I was tricked by optical illusion: the ladder made the top look higher to reach than it really was, thus making the hole feel deeper. I therefore felt that I did not have sufficient energy to climb the ladder. There was no guarantee of success. Instead, I decided to remain supine, surrounded by soft and comfortable cushions. These thoughts had kept me in the bottom of that hole for some time.

One day, I suddenly reconnected with my inner strength and craved to get out of the hole. I wished to once again explore real life as it is. I gathered up all the energy I had and tried to reach the bottom step of the ladder. Immediately, it felt like the ladder had become longer and the top of the hole had become far higher. It had become an impossible task. I closed my eyes and tried not let any thought of obstacles hold me back. I could feel them holding me down, grabbing my feet and increasing my weight. They were stopping me from climbing the ladder. But my desire to set myself free was stronger. I finally summoned up the energy to climb the ladder right to the top, one step at a time. Once I reached to top, I put both my hands on the ground and pulled myself up. I looked down into the hole and realised it was actually not deep at all. I had not even needed the ladder to reach the top of the surface. All I had to do was to stand up on my own two feet. Tragically, there are many other people, who may never have the support to summon up their energy and courage to leave their holes.

After all the effort of it took to leave the hole, I had a strong gut feeling that I had had done something wrong, stupid, even shameful. When I looked around, I realised I was in the middle of a desert with grey sky overhead and nothing else was within my reach. For a moment, I regrated leaving that comfortable place and briefly considered returning. What was I thinking, leaving all that comfort behind and choosing to be up here, surrounded by emptiness? Then, all of a sudden, I started to hear the birds singing again. I was following their sound, like they were guiding me towards a brighter place. The more I followed the sound of the birds, the further away the dark place was. My feelings of emptiness started to fade away. The grey sky was beginning to clear and turn blue. I could see more colours further ahead in the direction I was taking.

One could say how beautiful it is that our mind can play tricks to protect us from anything that may harm us. It may play with our subconscious, transferring us from a painful reality into a safe space within parallel emotional dimensions. The latter is however just an illusion and stops us from dealing with the issues that have led us into the sadness of our former state. An illusory beauty may be found in feeling comfortable and secure in this imaginary place, shielded from any harm. The truth is, however that the longer we spend in this seemingly comfortable place, the harder it gets to leave it. The relationship between out subconscious and conscious state may become confused and lead us to believe that the comfortable place is the best place to remain in.

When dealing with mental imbalance, the subtle strategies of our mind may also create a potential environment where depression may develop and take over. Reality and imagination combine to create a survival capsule. This is a dangerous and silent enemy. It is a real threat that may consume a person´s mind until there is no strength left, no hope of escape. Not all things that look and feel beautiful are actually beneficial to us. A Venus flytrap may appear attractive to its prey but approaching it too closely may cost their lives. A lethal beast can therefore masquerade as a thing of beauty.

Many people who are in a place of sadness and despair will be less fortunate than I was: their hole may in reality be a lot deeper, devoid of comfort and filled with loud and terrifying sounds. The hole might not even be a singular hole, but a sequence of caves, or more complex, an endless maze. Maintaining our awareness of self is so important as we can easily get caught up without even noticing it. Many of us are not fortunate enough to have someone close to give us a wake-up call. My experience may seem brief and over romanticised but it could have led me into a very dark infinite loop.

If it were not for my friend´s awareness and concern, I could have become clinically depressed instead of just going through a brief period of sadness. As individuals, we do not always realise which direction we are heading in emotionally. It can happen so naturally that our consciousness may not be aware of our initial mental imbalance. Our acknowledgment of something being not quite right about somebody else, family, friend or stranger may be the difference between life or death. Therefore, we need to acknowledge life beyond our own spectrum and interests. We need to see and accept others without prejudice. It is of paramount importance that we spread kindness and develop awareness and empathy within our social circles. Things can change at any given moment for anyone.

There are many factors that may lead someone into depression. It is impossible to list them or to be specific, as we are talking about people´s emotions and feelings. There are however some influential forces that we come across on a daily basis that have a strong impact on our lives. Society and new technologies have imposed priorities upon us such as our appearance, what we buy and who we associate ourselves with. For many this jeopardises our physical and mental wellbeing. We live a fast-track life, increasingly steered by artificial intelligence and everything but our own wellbeing has become a priority: work, career, material and financial achievements, shopping, social media and so on. These things mostly focus on other people´s perceptions. We can so easily lose our true selves within this delusional way of living. It seems that many of us are destined to continue accepting the twisted principles and values imposed upon us by society.

A highly influential force that could lead someone to depression is quite simply the spoken word. Words are powerful so, be careful what you say to others. Words can be destructive as well as constructive. Once words are uttered, there is no way to take them back. We can never know for sure how others may interpret our words. We must therefore consider listening more and talking less. If what you have to say won´t be constructive, choose not to say it. We live in a world where we are surrounded by negativity coming from social media, news, protests, advertising, politics and so on. The messages fed to us may be clear or subliminal. It is a real challenge to shield ourselves and to not be affected negatively by these messages. We must talk to everyone with real kindness irrespective of the situation: within a classroom, an office, a workshop, a conference, a social or family gathering, and so on. Treat others the way you would wish to be treated regardless of whether they are a stranger or someone you have known your entire life. Always remember that it is both your actions and words that define who you are.

To be kind to others, we must firstly be kind to ourselves and have compassion. If we can achieve this, we can achieve whatever our heart desires. Our only real judge in life is ourselves, our true selves. Nobody else is “in your shoes” but you and you alone. If you reach a point, when you realise you cannot achieve whatever you planned, consider a fresh approach. You can improve your skills, learn something new, take a risk worth taking, ask for help and so on. If even after all these efforts, you are still not achieving your goal, accept it and move on to a fresh and more achievable goal. Do not be too harsh on yourself. We must also learn to humbly accept our own limitations and move on. So many people simply do not understand who they really are, their focus being on what other people think of them. Frustration can all too often be a part of life. Even if a day had 30 hours, a year had 18 months or average life expectancy was 200 years of age, there would still be frustrations to overcome. So, we must learn how to deal with the intangible, accept any losses before they turn into ghosts and move on.

Our lives are filled with information, actions, emotions, feelings, goals, achievements, people and so on. Sometimes we can feel overwhelmed and may be affected both positively and negatively. There are things beyond our control that we cannot avoid. We must accept them as part of our lives. There is however a magic key that helps to unlock emotional obstacles that may interrupt or disturb our journey: gratitude! We must be grateful for who we are and what we have made of ourselves. We must also be grateful for what we have and the choices that we can make, as there are so many people who have virtually nothing in comparison. In remaining humble, we must all also accept that we are potentially vulnerable. Things can change so quickly. A full spectrum of colours can suddenly, turn into a sea of grey. We are no better or worse than anybody else, but maybe more or less fortunate. Any one of us could be lured by apparent beauty into the darkness and become a haunted soul with a troubled mind, a fragile being held hostage by life. If we did indeed find ourselves in the darkness, the real beauty of our true selves will always be worth saving.

Life is the most precious thing in the universe and living well will always be our most important achievement. I believe that humankind was somehow designed within a supernatural sphere. We were sent to earth with a mission and irrespective of our personal beliefs, our personal evolution may feel hard or relatively easy. My belief is that none of us leaves this tangible dimension before our purpose, whatever it may be has been fulfilled. None of us was born with a survival instruction manual. The numerous challenges we face and have to deal with along our journey is part of being. The only certainty we all have after we are born is that eventually we will die. Sadly, some people decide to make their journey shorter for reasons we cannot judge. But has their journey really ended at that point? Those of us who choose to remain in this physical sphere can make this journey a fantastic adventure.

Living is an individualised venture with regard to having a meaningful life. The majority of people choose to share their live with others. Others, through choice or circumstance may go through their lives on their own. That said, we are never alone. We are surrounded by life in its many shapes and forms. These shapes and forms have purposes that connect every single one of us to each other and to everything and everyone around us. We must learn how to see and feel this connection. This can only begin with recognising and developing our inner power, perhaps our higher selves.

Relying on others as survival support mechanisms can be limiting as we are all mere mortals. I believe that our evolutionary process must also involve us connecting with something much more substantial and powerful. This connection will help to guide and support us throughout our life experience and starts with our inner self, enabling us to feel beyond our physical senses. Once we accept what we need to succeed in this venture we call life, we will have the strength to complete our mission. Noticing and embracing the simple things, such as a sunrise or the blossoming of a flower will help to give us the strength we need. Happiness is also contagious. Your existence is so often part of somebody else´s happiness and may give them strength to live on their own journey well. Small acts of kindness that you may not even be aware of can make all the difference.

So, show your gratitude and always be kind, especially to yourself!

Leandro Bernardes, 2023.